I Thought I Made The Easy Choice
To say I’m not crazy about kids would be the understatement of the century. Children in general drive me up the wall and make me ridiculously uncomfortable. This is where people usually try to bring out their inner Freud on me, saying that I’ve just obviously never had experience with kids. The reverse true is really, I’ve had too much experience with children; that’s how I know I’m fucking scared of them.
They start off looking like aliens, painfully popping out of vaginas like greasy little squids. No it is not a beautiful thing, people who say birth is a beautiful process are the mothers who were so doped up during the labour process they forgot that they shit themselves while pushing out their bundle of joy. Yeah that happens, disturbingly frequently.
From that point on you’ve got a puking, crapping, crying mess for at least the next two years. And it doesn’t get better you know. They don’t even start to approach human until about eighteen years old. Once in a long while you’ll come across one with some humanistic tendencies but then a wave of hormones hits and they fly into a psychotic rage.
It’s thoughts like these that lead me to have a death grip on my birth control.
To deal, I have cats. Cats are clean, cats are sophistcated, cats just sleep a lot; oh the lies we are told.
See I have this wonderful male Siamese who, sadly enough, is making my sister-in-laws two and four year olds look normal.
First off he pisses on anything and everything and in the past week he has crapped on the floor twice. I mean at least with a kid you can throw a diaper on them, right? Add to this the fact that he tears around the house like a little maniac, everything he doesn’t knock over he hides, and he drives our poor little Calico up the wall. Add to the fact that you can’t explain anything to him and it’s like have a permanent twelve month old in the house.
So much for the pet route, you might as well bring on the kids.
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